Tuesday, March 22, 2016

God the ultimate conspiracy theory

People often speak of the Balance of Nature as a principle that administers justice in the universe, a justice that eventually produces consequences for every action, and evens out all inequities across a span of time. This span of time can be so vast, however, that most of us never live long enough to see it played out. What we do witness is a multi-year drought disposed of by a four-month deluge. We see that nature can be alternately fertile and desolate with intense unpredictability. We see earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, and fires--all processes of a living planet--occur without any consideration for our homes, cities, and desires for permanence. The forces of nature go about their way with total indifference to our human presence.

Imagine indifference itself as a kind of power. How can human beings live according to a universe that does not even notice them, let alone consider them? How can mercy and justice be derived from natural forces that exemplify indifference because they posess no consciousness at all?

For some the answer is--"there must be an Entity like ourselves (conscious ego) that exists behind these forces, and who controls these forces. Everything is an expression of will, a divine will." With this the concept of God was born. Every religion, faith, and invention of 'God' so far has been, amongst other things, an attempt to escape the horrifying idea that the universe is ultimately and totally indifferent to us. Better the fires of Hell itself than to believe that there is no cosmic moral order, no scorekeeper, no witness, no judge, no reward or punishment in an afterlife, and no audience.

It is the same in our interactions with other humans. People demand an audience for their virtues and deeds. "Where is the value of an action," many unfortunately think "if no one is there to witness it?" Love and hatred are fine for most, as long as they are noticed. It is to be treated with utter indifference that is the greatest blow.

Now extend this hatred of indifference to nature. People would rather believe that tragedy and disaster are delivered upon their heads deliberately by a god with a plan and a higher purpose than to think that it happened for no reason whatsoever. All magnitude of tragedy can be endured so long as a purpose can be found in it. When none can be found the human survival instinct must manufacture one.

The Greeks could not endure suffering that had no purpose, so they invented an audience of gods to witness their suffering. Purpose was found in being a divine spectacle. The Jewish people could not endure slavery under their paganistic rulers, so they invented a single god that was over all others to be their liberator and protector. In each case a god was created to serve the self-preservational imperative of the people who needed it. It is no different today. "God" comes from human psychology, not from nature.

Many people are fond of seeing a god's will in everything, from disasters to elections to an acorn falling at their feet at the right moment. This is to make 'God' the Ultimate Conspiracy Theory. If a tornado destroys one church but not another--"it's God's will." If Roy Moore is thrown from the Alabama Supreme Court--"it's God's will." If our nation hits hard times--"God is punishing us." If I get constipated--"God is punishing me." If our enemies are destroyed--"God is just."

This anthropomorphic thinking is an attempt to recreate nature in our own image. Behind every deed there is a "doer"; behind every chance or accident there is an ego-conscious entity exercising it's will; behind every action and occurrence, no matter how small or large, a master hand is placing predetermined puzzle pieces. This psychology reinvents the universe into the ultimate conspiracy theory.


This insane view may serve the preservational imperatives of many amongst us, but it is far from any criterion of truth or necessity to believe. How could the rational amongst us live according to such an all-pervasive entity? One would have to destroy such a god to exist at all, let alone be free. It is a good thing for us that 'God' is just a creation of the human mind--for the mind, and it's hidden psychology, is our ultimate guide and ruler.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

Martin Edmunds

Thorold, Ontario.

L2V 2K1

Amanda, sweetheart!

May the blessings of Allah be upon you! You don't know how happy I was to get your letter! The timing of it was uncanny. (I think I see the hand of "You-Know-Who" in this!) There I was, thinking: Gee, I could sure use some of the ol' "slap 'n tickle" real soon. And before I could even check out the Yellow Pages for the location of a "massage parlour," the mail arrived with your proposition.

Oy veh! I've never gotten anything like that in the mail before. Not only do you want to give me a massage, you want to give me a "very important massage" (sic--see accompanying photocopy of your letter). I don't know how a "very important massage" differs from the ones I normally get, but I can tell you I'm intrigued! (By the way, your letter came with 46 cents postage due. I am enclosing the card on which the Post Office wanted me to affix the necessary stamps. I believe that's yours.)

As surprised and delighted as I was to receive this offer of a free massage (it is free, right?), I was doubly surprised to find it was a Jehovah's Witness making the offer. If this is a new recruiting technique I can tell you, you've picked a winner. It sure beats the hell out of those stupid little pamphlets.

So, how the hell are you "heaven's elect" doing these days, anyway? It's been a long time since I heard from you. In the four years I've been living in Thorold this is the first contact I've had.

Is it because of what happened in Port Dover?

That's it, isn't it?

Boy, that's very un-Christian. That's a long time to hold a grudge. Where's the forgiveness you people are supposed to be so big on? Besides, the Port Dover congregation had no right to get upset with me in the first place. They knew from the start the sort of person they were dealing with, that I was a militant atheist who considered religion to be one of the great embarrassments of modern western civilization. The battle lines were clearly drawn, the objectives clearly stated: they were going to try to turn me into a Jehovah's Witness, and I was going to try to turn them into rational, thinking beings.

For the entire summer of '92 (yup, it was that long ago), I graciously hosted two Johos (or "Yoyos", as I affectionately termed them, because they kept coming back) every Monday at 1:15 pm. These excursions into the Twilight Zone lasted up to two hours, during which time my "instructors" for that week drank my tea and ate my cookies. How many people show Yoyos that kind of hospitality, eh? But in spite of that, in late September the visits abruptly ceased, without warning or a parting word. From October onwards, no one came to see me anymore on Monday afternoons.

What a bunch of quitters!

I guess it was that last visit that did it. On that memorable occasion they brought the "head Yoyo" in to talk to me (by then pretty well everyone else in the congregation had, with disappointing results on both sides),

I actually had hopes for that meeting. I was hoping that maybe this guy would have some idea of what he was talking about. But he was as clueless as the rest of them. He, too, was oblivious of, and utterly immune to, the most basic, self-evident truths (I think NASA should use the skulls of Jehovah's Witless for the protective shields on the space shuttles, that being the densest, most impervious material in the world). He knew nothing of the world around him, of its current events or history. All he knew was the Bible. And even that he misunderstood (as do the rest of you). Which meant, in effect, that this fellow knew and understood nothing at all (just like the rest of you).

Unlike the rest of you, however, who are usually such pleasant, placid zombies, this guy didn't seem pleasant or placid at all. And, for a short while at least, he didn't even look like a zombie. Matter of fact, he got quite animated when I made the very reasonable observation that my chances of learning from someone who didn't know anything himself weren't good. He took even greater umbrage at my suggestion that he should get his head out of his ass and have a look at the real world. What got him most riled up, though, was when I said to him what I usually say to Yoyos who don't even have the saving grace of being good natured idiots. Having learned the depressing fact that he had offspring I told him that, were I in a legal position to do it, I would take his kids away from him. Moreover, if I were making the rules, not only would no Jehovah's Witless be allowed to raise a child, no one of that faith would ever be allowed to have a child in their care for any length of time whatsoever.

On this point I'm dead serious: none of you Witless wingnuts should ever be entrusted with the care of a child. NO ONE who could watch a child bleed to death, knowing that the child's life could easily be saved, should ever be entrusted with the care of a child.

The blood transfusion thing is the frighteningly bizarre point at which you normally harmless clowns suddenly turn into killer clowns. How can you people do that? To me it's inconceivable that people who don't even have the excuse of being clinically psychotic (I assume most of you aren't) could be so fucked up by their fantasies that they would allow their own children to die rather than let them have transfusions.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want to interfere with your right to make that choice for yourselves. In fact, I applaud it. It's damned civilized of you to voluntarily remove your mentally defective genes from the human gene pool. Future generations will be the better for it. That, my dear Yoyos, is how evolution works. That is evolution in action. By allowing yourselves to die you help get rid of dumb DNA.

(It's hilariously ironic that you who so vehemently deny the process of evolution are so eager to help that process out.

There's religion for you.)

At any rate, the head Yoyo wasn't at all pleased with my opinions or suggestions. He told me he hadn't come over there to be insulted, leaving me bewildered as to what other reason a member of that congregation would have for showing up at my door.

They didn't do it anymore after that, however. After that, I never saw them again (and just when I was on the verge of converting, too). From then on I had to struggle with the big questions on my own, without the benefit of their "insights" and "guidance".

I must say, I came to miss those Monday sessions. It was a nice feeling knowing I wasn't the dumbest person in the room. There was a zen-like perfection to the emptiness of the minds I "debated" with that summer. There they would sit, smiling with Buddha-like self sufficiency, their heads uncluttered with anything so base as secular knowledge, spouting childish platitudes and religious absurdities, completely invulnerable to any facts, no matter how obvious, that didn't fit in with their beliefs. Yet in spite of this (more likely because of it), we managed to transcend our differences and have a pretty good time together. We certainly shared a lot of laughs, though I don't think we were laughing about the same things. Then the good times came to an end, all because of one anal retentive Yoyo.

Consequently, I've kind of lost track of what's happening with you guys lately. How's the theology working out? Not too good, according to my calculations. What's up with Judgement Day, huh? How come that ain't happened yet? Back in '92, the Port Dover Yoyos (sounds like a good name for a sport-team, eh?) kept telling me the end was near. One of the big articles of the faith was that the generation that saw WWI "would not pass away." According to your "understanding" of the Bible, the folks who brought us WWI would live to see mankind's day in court, the day when all us non-Yoyos get ours.

You seen many veterans of WWI around lately? I recently read that there are about a dozen left in Canada. And at 100+, it can safely be assumed that all twelve of them have got one foot in the grave and the other one on a banana peel.

Looks like the clock's pretty well run out on that prognostication, eh?

Oh well, maybe you just got the world wars mixed up. Or maybe you're a bunch of delusional numbskulls who don't know which way is up.

Gee, I wonder which one it is.

While we're on the topic, I'll bet you all had your hopes up real high for the year 2000, didn't you? Come on, admit it: you thought 2000 was going to be IT. Being the fundamentalist millenary sect that you are, I'm sure you thought the new millennium was going to be THE NEW MILLENNIUM. I can picture you all gathered together on New Year's Eve, standing there with your bags packed, all ready to catch the Ghost Train at the stroke of midnight. The tension builds as the clock ticks down. With only a couple minutes to go, people start to faint. At T-minus ten seconds, the ones still standing all drop to their knees. "Hallelujah Lord, here we are!" they howl. And then--

Nothing. No "Rupture." Just a bunch of midget-minds looking like the pinheads they are.

Of course, it takes more than that to shake the faith of the truly deluded. I'm sure that within minutes of the "Big Letdown" some math whiz among you pointed out that the millennium didn't actually turn until the year 2001, thereby giving you the chance to make fools of yourselves all over again the following year.

I wonder: did any of you feel even a twinge of embarrassment when the same damn thing happened a year later? Probably not, judging from my experiences with the shame- proof members of the Port Dover conglomeration. And I have faith that by now you people have come up with a whole new set of excuses to explain why your predictions are falling through, along with a whole new set of predictions to fall through all over again.

I can't wait to hear them!

--Which reminds me: My two favourite Yoyos, the ones who came to see me most often in the phantasmagorical summer of '92 (Tom and Marie), guarantee that Judgement Day would come to pass by 2012. In fact, there are two cases of beer riding on it. It happened like this: one day, when I was feeling more frustrated than usual with Yoyo density, I demanded to know when we were finally going to get to see Gabriel do his long-awaited gig. Understandably, Tom and Marie were reluctant to fix the date for the exposure of their foolishness. "Oh, come on," I said. "The generation that saw WWI is supposed to live to see this happen? Obviously, it's gotta happen pretty soon, right?"

Well, yeah.

How soon?

(Defensively) We don't know exactly when. The Bible doesn't tell us.

But it has to happen soon, right? I mean, how many WWI vets are left?

Yes, it's going to happen soon.

How soon? Ten years?

Well, er, uh, eh, oh, maybe not ten years.

How about twenty years then? Surely you have to admit that by 2012 the generation that saw WWI will have totally passed away?

Oh, yes; by then it will have happened.

Wanna bet?

I could tell that they didn't really want to bet, but bet me they did. They bet me a case of beer each that by 2012 Judgement Day will have come to pass.

If you've looked at a calendar lately you'll have noticed that I am only eight years away from winning that bet. And be certain of this: eight summers from now I will be at the "Magic Kingdom" Hall on Blueline Rd. in Port Dover to collect my cases of beer. Unless, of course, the Day of Judgement intervenes.

Hey Amanda: Do you or any in your conglomeration want to get in on that bet? I'll be happy to start the clock now and make it for 2024.

Any takers?

We'll discuss all this when you come to give me my massage. After you give me my massage.

On this point I want things clear: first I get my massage, then we talk religion. And it better be the kind of massage I like, or the deal's off.

RELATED ARTICLE: When Jehovah Leaves His Calling Card

Jehovah's Witnesses can pester you anywhere, even if you live in Canada.

We reprint here an amusing "calling card" left by a particularly witless Witness in Ontario, along with the hilarious, yet deadly serious response thereto by a Canadian member of American Atheists.

Kingdom Hall

93 Moffat St.

St. Catharines, L2P-3L6

Dear House holder

We've been trying to contact you with a very important massage, but we have been unsuccessful.

I'm leaving you a tract about "would you like to know more about the Bible?" at no cost to you, Just some of your time. You can greatly benfit from learning the love that God provided for mankind.

In John 17:3 says

3 This means everlasting life, their tacking in knowledge of you, the only true God, and of the one whom you sent forth, Jesus Christ.

Please contact us if you have any questions about the Free Bible Study.

Amanda Molde

By Jay Werbinox Taylor

Murrayville, Georgia

Taylor, Jay Werbinox

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